The Greatest Softball Players We Know- Part 1: Pitchers

With next week being the MLB All Star game and all, Christy and I thought we ought to take time to remember the very best of the men and women that have suited up with us over the years to play slow pitch softball. There have been many brave souls worthy of mention, but unfortunately for most of them, we didn't mention 'em. Instead, we've picked 3 or 4 players at each position to honor as the All Star-iest of the All Stars. Each player is listed under their corresponding position and with the name of the team that they we played on together. And if some of the team names seem a little "low brow," just know that it was Christy's idea to call our team, The D-Bags.

Be forewarned, this will be a seven part post and if you're just logging on to see if you made the list, I'm afraid we're going to have to insist that you read the whole entire dang thing.



PART 1- PITCHERS

Phil Weeks (Hired Gloves '07 and Mountain West Title Loan)- “Uncy Phil” as my kids affectionately call him, actually played for a long time as a solid outfielder and first baseman before moving to pitcher. However, years of trying to rip his leg in half on the church basketball court has more or less relegated him full time to the mound. And that’s okay, because Phil is one of the few pitchers who takes his job just the right amount of seriously. Will he throw strikes, field his position, and produce at the plate? Absolutely. Will he try and convince you that by putting additional spin on a ball that is only traveling five miles an hour it decreases the chance of it leaving stich-marks on an infielder’s forehead? No, because Phil’s not an idiot.

And you have to give it up to anyone who’s willing to use three leg braces and a bottle of vicodin to get the job done. That’s all heart baby!!! Kirk Gibson had a torn hamstring when he hit his famous game winning dinger. Big deal! I’ve seen Phil go 4-4 with his kneecap on the wrong side of his leg.

But what really makes Phil an awesome Pitcher is when he laughs after striking someone out. Hilarious. Regulation slow-pitch softballs are roughly the size of a cocker spaniel, and move at about 1/8 the speed. Trying to hit one with a bat and failing is arguably the most emaciating feeling in the world. It’s up there with flatulating when you’re about to kiss a girl goodnight, or falling down the stairs in high school in front of all the cheerleaders, or accidentally riding your bike into an unmanned construction hole with your entire middle school watching- and you’ll just have to trust me because I’ve done all of those things. The only thing that makes striking out worse is having a middle aged dude in body armor laughing at you from the mound. I’m just glad he’s on MY team.

Brandi Schraft (Escalante Goatheads)- How many girls do you know who can hit a ball further than you? Be honest. Well, now you know one more.

The first time I ever played a game with Brandi she hit a ball so far over the left fielder’s head that the guy should have just kept running and got in his car and gone home. When you play in coed leagues you get so used to the monotony of walking back and forth in the outfield, scooting-in when girls are up and backing-up when guys are up, and sometimes you forget that there are females out there like Brandi who’s hitting abilities are not confined to the laws of conventional physics. And talk about humiliating, if you’re the guy who has to chase a ball down that a girl hit to the warning track and get it back in before she gets to third, it makes it that much more difficult to explain to your teammates why you were playing so shallow in the first place. “I didn’t know she could…that is to say I didn’t think it would travel…I MEAN C’MON MAN IT WAS A GIRL!
Chris Auger (Hired Gloves '04)- It’s funny how the pitcher is usually the last spot you fill on a softball team. It’s always like, “well we’ve got this aging athlete in a wheelchair, he can play third for us. And we have that guy with an inner-ear problem, he’ll be catcher. Round it out with the can’t-let-go-of-the-glory-days shortstop and we’ve got ourselves a winner!” But pitcher is always like “We sort of forgot to find a pitcher. Can any of you guys underhand throw a giant dodgeball 30 feet?” All I’m saying is it’s usually not a priority when building a team, and so it’s nice once in a while to find someone who treats it with some pride. Chris Auger treated it with pride.

Chris actually joined our team by way of one of our other players, who prefaced his addition by saying, “He’s a really good pitcher….but he wears some ridiculously tight pants.” And that was true, Auger wore very tight pants. But he is the only pitcher I’ve ever seen strike out six batters in a game, the only person I ever saw come within two outs of a no hitter, and the only pitcher who treated it like it was the most important position on the field. Heck, half the time I felt like we ought to get him his own personal catcher like Charlie O’Brien was for Greg Maddux. I don’t know what ever happened to Auger. He disappeared after our last season together. Some say he gave up the game and moved back east to raise a family, but I like to think that he’s out there somewhere, teaching a youngster in tight pants how to underhand a softball.

Erik Jensen (Positive Energy '03 & '04)- I honestly don’t know how Erik Jensen was as good at softball as he was. He seemed eternally half awake and usually showed up to games looking like he had accidentally found the field by mistake. Epitomizing the working man’s softball wardrobe, Erik was fond of sporting the cargo pants and John Deere hat, just to give that extra feel of “doesn’t it make you angry to know I’m better than you and not really trying?” And he was. When stacked up against other pitchers in the league, anyone would have to admit that Erik was better.

Maybe it was the fact that his regular participation in longball golfing contests gave him a unique advantage when hitting a softball. Maybe it was the way he would spear line drives out of the air without ever bothering to unlock his knees. Or maybe it was just that you always got the impression that the softball tournament was merely a short break for Erik before getting back to his afternoon nap. Whatever it is, the dude is welcome on my team any day.